Off again

Jeff's leaving in the morning. :-( It was a nice 5 days he was home..well 4.5...lol. This time he's going to be gone for 12 days, but then he can come home for 10! :-)
I really do miss him when he's gone. I guess being with someone for almost 10 years will do that to you...lol. I've always thought I didn't have the ability to have that deep, true love. I mean I always know I care about people and I do my best to be good to them, and I know I've always loved him, but never had those feelings some people talk about.

That deep, all encompasing passion. Now that we've decided to not have an open relationship anymore I can feel that I want to keep my relationship more than I want to have a quick lay. And the more I realize that, the more I realize I have that deep love, that soul mate love. The crazy thing is, it was always there, I just never let it out.

Jeff will be home tomorrow! I going to try to drag him to see Star Wars. I know he doesn't really want to go, but after being gone that long I don't want to leave him at home/be away from him...so we'll see. Maybe I'll just have to hold off and go after he leaves again. ;-)
One of my instructors still hasn't posted my grade yet! She's really starting to piss me off. I understand people get busy, but h-e-l-l-o this is my college career you're being lazy about, not to mention it can affect my student loan status. (I'm really going to regret those once I graduate...LOL)

Weekend

Ok, I made it to the first weekend with Jeff being gone. It's so crazy how sometimes I feel smothered and controled by him; but when he's not here I miss him so much! I know he means well and everything he does comes from his heart. I know I don't deserve the patience and understanding he gives me. I hope some day I can really be the kind of man he should have.

Currently song: "Force of Gravity" by BT

On my own...well for a while

Wow, it's been over a week since my last posting; things have been busy...lol.
Jeff left for the first part of his project on Weds. This one is in Southern Colorado. He's going to come back on Friday, after his Dad works on the car. We got a notice from the dealer that we were supposed to replace the timing belt at 60k miles and we are at 72k, so it's about time I suppose.

This is going to be the big test if I can be a good boy. Sometimes I wonder if I have an addiction, and my poison just happens to be sex. I mean i the past I acted just like an addict, I snuck around, I lied, I would indulge myself, then feel tremendously guilty afterwards. Then you have these guys that I have chatted with that have long-term relationships and their partners have no idea that they are screwing around, and it doesn't seem like it even phases them. Do they not feel the guilt I do? Then again, if I truly felt guilty why did I do it so many times?

Currently Listening to: Hope Has a Place from the album "The Memory Of Trees" by Enya

boredom

You're Soroity Slut Barbie! You're easy and you're
really cheesy! Have fun with the entire
football team.


If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
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I'm trying to decide if this is accurate...LOL.

Ups and Downs

For the most part this was a great day. Jeff got a call back the place he had applied for his paid internship, and he was given the position! :-)
Most of the project is in Nebraska, so that means he's going to be gone for 4-5 days a week from May 15th-July 15th. But that's ok...he is so excited, he's actually working in the field that he's getting his degree in. And the money's pretty good to, we'll be pretty comfortable through the summer, which is when we are usually tight since he doesn't get his GI Bill payments during the summer.

For some reason though, we got into a bit of a tiff this evening. Just stupid little things that get blown up and you say biting things to each other...just dumb.

Currently Listening to: Dark Lady from the album "Cher Greatest Hits" by Cher

Perspective

Well this was going to be a whimsical post. Full of crap about my new Operating System and cheating on the diet this weekend. Sometimes things change...

I was chatting with my friend Mikie from LA. He used to live in Fort Collins, moved back home to Omaha, then got a dream job for an A-list rock band in LA. While he was back in Omaha he reconnected with his soulmate, Jamie; everything was going so wonderfully with them. As I said I was chatting with him, like we usually do late at night, and he didn't seem his normal chipper self...

Well then he dropped the bomb...Jamie is poz! :( Ok, so we start discussing this, then there is the next bomb...how they found out. Jamie was having "knock you on your ass" headaches, so they went to the Doc and of course they run tons of tests. So the HIV was just a "nice" surprise. Turns out he also has a brain tumor!! Ok, this kid is like 22 fucking years old!! I feel so terrible for them. I'm not one to say stuff like "how can god do stuff like this?" But sometimes it just fits. I know everything is supposed to happen for a reason...but DAMN!!

So yeah, this really was something that puts the little things into perspective.

Crossroads from the album "Crossroads" by Tracy Chapman